Jesus has Left the Building

There is nothing wrong with your computers. 

Do not attempt to adjust your monitors. I am controlling transmission. 

If I wish to make it louder, I will bring up the volume. If I wish to make it softer, I will tune it to a whisper. 

I will control the horizontal. I will control the vertical. 

I can roll the image, make it flutter. I can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. 

For the next hour, sit quietly and I will control all that you see and hear. 

I repeat: there is nothing wrong with your computer. You are about to participate in a great adventure. 

You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to — 
The Completely Out-Of-The-Way Limits.

 

Apply caution. Do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery as vision will be affected. Legal high, self hypnosis. Warning: may cause blurred vision, eyes will explode! CAUTION! I repeat: EYES WILL EXPLODE!!!1 8D

On that note: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus has Left the Building.

Izquierdo I say!

 

"Turtles All The Way Down"

Hey folks! Having problems staying awake in your 12-hour day of drudgery for pennies on the dollar just to watch your fat cat corporate bosses get rich off the fruits of your labor?


Well you're in luck!


Considering that our friendly, socially aware, and morally conscious federal government has decided to cut spending on fighting methamphetamine production--YOU can score a few tons of the crap to keep you up for weeks--For nothing but your entire lifetime income!


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Ahhh...isn't the American Dream just grand?


May this not be the fate of all Daryl Krogen's nationwide from this day forward.

Source

Contrary To Popular Belief, I Am Not Charlie Sheen.

I am not Charlie Sheen.
Although, I do have what has been called "tiger's blood".

In my spare time I blog, I mountain bike, I play guitar. I am a migrant worker. A day laborer. When weather permits, I even beg for spare change.

I have been known to remodel huts located in small villages within the Amazon Basin on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

Occasionally, just for fun, I tread water for two days in a row in piranha infested waters.

I once read War and Peace, Atlas Shrugged, and an entire volume of encyclopedias in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I am an abstract analyst, a concrete artist, and a ruthless bookie.

I don't perspire.

I can swallow live bullets, fart, and take out the eyebrows on a mosquito at 400 yards on a windy day.

I am one of those warlock Vatican assassins people only hear or dream about.

But I am not Charlie Sheen, I am Jesus the hobo.

The Girl Who Silenced the UN For 5 Minutes

At a 1992 UN Earth Summit conference in Rio de Janeiro, 12-year-old Severn Suzuki put the smack down on stunned listeners.

"Making Grown Men Shut-Up and Listen Since 1991."
Karma's a "bitch", ain't it?

brought to you by
Static at krapsody.com
a maverick in the world of Hobo Blogging.

Dynamic Inertia IS Revolutionary and Arousing!!!

Ladies, listen up: 

Are your arms and shoulders saggy, flabby, and out of shape? 

Isn't that the one area you girls haven't found a solution for? 

Well now you have. 

You can jack off Jesus!! 

Giving tug jobs to Jesus in just under 2 minutes a day can strengthen, tone, and sculpt your arms in ways you never knew before!!! 

An...d! the best part is it's absolutely FREE...why pay $19.95 for the Shake Weight® when you get the same effects when you whack Jesus' crotch cannon?! 

**Notice: honkin' Jesus' Bobo is a revolutionary new way to shape and tone your arms, shoulders and chest and it is designed specifically for women. 

To start today, meet me at Ponders Corner at 7 o'clock tonight..first come - first served! Over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 served!!!

brought to you by

another asinine guest post by Static at krapsody.com

 ....chances are you girls haven't found a solution for MEN yet either. And men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

 

Ladies and Fentlemen, Jesus has left the building...

...or rather, I've left the two shopping carts and plastic covering that I refer to as my "building" and have entered an actual building known as a "public library." So in reality, I, Jesus, have "entered" the building, not "left" as I previously stated...though I will be leaving soon since the workers here leer at me with disgust and dismay.

It isn't my fault that public libraries are "public," i.e., "free" for anyone. Though since I don't have an address they might say that I don't qualify for the residency requirements for the library, but there is a community P.O. Box at the shelter that allows us to apply for jobs and other activities and services that require a valid address. Beforehand, I would just use the library's address, because let's be honest, who uses "mail" these days anyway. Even Obama said recently that "Fed-Ex and UPS...they're doing great. It's the Post Office that's always having problems."

Thank God there's a T.V. at the shelter, or else I'd have to go back to stealing newspapers and evesdropping on conversations, which you can imagine is difficult for a homeless person due to our distinct characteristics that include (but are not limited to): offensive odor; dirty and/or tattered clothing; basket of misc. seemingly useless objects parked outside of said library; tendency to talk loudly to oneself and/or others.