Hobos Know How To Party

So, what are you doing for the new year?

Post by Bringing Funny Back.

I'm going to sleep so hard it'll seem like it's still 2012.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

I didn't do it.

Santa's Prostate Exam

@southpawmegan Okay...but it doesn't look so good. I'll take that $20 now. twitter.com/Santa_4_reals/…

— Black Santa Claus (@Santa_4_reals) November 27, 2012

The life of a homeless mall Santa is tough.

Abrascam Lincoln: Box Office Killer

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter...can anyone explain this to me?? 10-year-olds are writing Hollywood scripts again, aren't they?

Even though I'm just a hobo, my opinion is that this is a stretch...really it is. I can come up with better crap than this...in a coma.

No srsly...check it out man.

Here we go:

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Joseph. Joseph was 12-years-old and lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. While walking home from school one day, a blue rabbit jumped out from behind a pile of dead zombie babies and tackled Joseph to the ground. But just when he was about to let out a scream for help, Joseph realized that the blue rabbit was only licking his face, not trying to bite it off.

At that moment, Joseph decided to keep the blue rabbit as a pet. And on the way home he decided to name his pet blue rabbit "Conk."

When Joseph and his new pet finally got home, guess who was standing on the front porch? That's right, it was Joseph 's mother, Marge. And boy was she surprised to see a blue rabbit following Joseph into the yard!

"Whut in tarnation in th' world is that?" shouted Marge (Marge ain't too edumacated, so cut her some slack).

"It's a blue rabbit," answered Joseph.

"UH, DAH, I can see that, Joey, but what on earth is it doing here?" said Marge.

"It's my new pet!" Joseph snapped insolently.

"Oh you think so do ya?" remarked Marge. "I wouldn't get yer hopes up. You know how yer pa hates them blue rabbits. But, well, I s'pose you can keep him 'til yer pa comes home."

And with that Joseph grabbed Conk by the scruff of the neck and led his new pet into the house -- even though he knew his father was probably going to disapprove.

Well, Pa can just SUCK IT, right?

Hey, it's my script, and it's not
my problem if you don't like it.

Once in the house, Joseph and Conk played and played, but then Joseph's favorite television show, "Taxicab Confessions" started. At that point Joseph forgot all about Conk who was having an unsupervised run of the house. And Conk enjoyed himself to no end.

That is until half way through the show when Joseph was brought back to reality when he heard his father shout, "Fuckin' 'ell!! Joseph! Get your ASS in the bathroom...NOW!!" Joseph rushed into the bathroom to see what all the fuss was about.

When he entered the bathroom, there stood his father, Gordo, pointing toward the coat rack which was lying on the floor.

"Will someone please explain that?!" asked his father. Then, as Joseph followed his father's finger to where it was pointing, he instantly knew what his father was so upset about.

There, smack dab on the end, clear down to the middle of the coat rack, was the biggest piece of rabbit shit he had ever seen! "I don't EVEN want to know how that got there," muttered Gordo. "But you had better get it cleaned up now! And you had better get rid of whatever it is that could have done such a thing!"

Well, knowing his father as well as he did, Joseph knew there was no sense even asking his father if he could keep Conk for a pet. So without hesitation, Joseph set out to find where Conk was hiding.

After a few minutes of looking, Joseph discovered Conk crouched beneath the table that was adorned with the cloth that Joseph's father popped his back zits with. "Come on, Conk, it's time to find you a new home. And hey, don't look at me that way, I'm not the one who did the dirty deed on the coat rack!" scolded Joseph. "Thanks to you I'll never get to have my own pet rabbit!! And so then Joseph led Conk out of the house and down to the local Five and Dime. The Five and Dime had a pet section and Joseph knew the owner would find Conk a good home.

So after saying good-bye to Conk the rabbit, and thanking the owner of the Five and Dime, Joseph walked backed home and attempted to drown his sorrows by slamming down a half dozen bottles of bourbon. But Joseph 's pity party came to an abrupt end when his father reminded him about the mess he had neglected to clean up. And low and behold, midway through the clean-up, Joseph suddenly became thankful that someone else was going to have to do it from now on.

However something snapped inside Joseph's head -- he vowed revenge on all blue rabbits from that day forward -- he thought of nothing more than destroying every single blue bunny he could smoke out. But sadly, Joseph spent the rest of his days at the asylum drugged up on Thorazine and Lithium.

And that's how the Book of Mormon was written.

The End.
(or is it?)

See? Isn't that like TEN TIMES better, even without the fancy special effects? Psh, I thought so. :D

 J.J. Abrams and M. Night Shimshamalamadingdong can't even write shit THAT good. :P

Run, rabbit, run.

Jesus has Left the Building

There is nothing wrong with your computers. 

Do not attempt to adjust your monitors. I am controlling transmission. 

If I wish to make it louder, I will bring up the volume. If I wish to make it softer, I will tune it to a whisper. 

I will control the horizontal. I will control the vertical. 

I can roll the image, make it flutter. I can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. 

For the next hour, sit quietly and I will control all that you see and hear. 

I repeat: there is nothing wrong with your computer. You are about to participate in a great adventure. 

You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to — 
The Completely Out-Of-The-Way Limits.

 

Apply caution. Do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery as vision will be affected. Legal high, self hypnosis. Warning: may cause blurred vision, eyes will explode! CAUTION! I repeat: EYES WILL EXPLODE!!!1 8D

On that note: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus has Left the Building.

Izquierdo I say!

 

Cool Things I Post on Facebook Since I'm Such a Pimp

Der Übermensch is pretty frickin cool. Although the value of shaving your balls with a tuna can lid should not be underrated. You never know when that skill may come in handy.

Still, I think I should probably have included my 'likes' for First Aid For Dummies and Eunuchs Anonymous pages in that screenshot.

But first I must shave my balls with a tuna can lid. After absorbing tip #391, I believe my knowledge on the complex subject is quite thorough now.

During the intermission, here's a dog raping a cat to porn music:

New super-addictive drug "T-Party" discovered; millions of users already addicted

Above: User snorting "T-Palin," a purified version of "T-Party"

As a hobo, I encounter many-an addictive substance on a daily basis, many of which have spent a decent amount of time hidden in my rectum. Of all these substances, however, none are as potent as "T-Party," a new super-addictive drug invented by Republicans and fed to an under-educated populace over-eager for a simplification of our ever-more complicated world, a world-view free of global-warming, national-debt and other compound-hyphenated-nouns.

The largest supplier of "T-Party" is "Fox News." While they have always been infamous for their conservative slant, yellow journalism and spreading lies, the creation and distribution of "T-Party" amongst the American public transformed the organization from an annoying source of faux-news into the most prominent drug cartel in the United States. Their most recent breakthrough is a derivative of T-Party called "T-Palin," which has further indoctrinated millions of elderly Medicare recipients into accepting a world view that Government-Run Health Insurance is unconstitutional, despite the fact that 99% of seniors over the age of 65 voluntarily participate in Medicare, the single largest health insurance institution...run by the government.

Probably my worst photoshop ever, but hey, I'm a hobo and the librarian is watching me closely to make sure I don't steal this computer...which I intend to do just as soon as my friend "Slippery Pete" creates a diversion by smearing extra-crunchy peanut butter on his nude body and screaming "Who wants to try my FREE shit?!" 

Derived from the chemical compound "Aristocratic Nucleic Acid" produced by Rush Limbaux's testicles, "T-Party" or "T-Rex" as it is known on the streets/bars that serve you beer-in-a-can, has already claimed the rational capacity of millions of people in the U.S. If you suspect a loved one of being addicted to T-Party, the following warning signs are helpful in getting them help: A sudden, uncontrollable love of Professional Wrestling; Referring to "Glenn Beck" as an "intellectual"; Using the word "News" when referring to "Fox News" programs; Holding contradicting political opinions, such as "Get Government out of Medicare" or "Eliminate the Deficit of $400 billion by making $60 billion in cuts."

If, after evaluating these symptoms, you suspect a loved on of being addicted to T-Party, please call our national hotline and one of our trained Philosophy major will work with you on a 12-step reason-based treatment to re-integrate your loved one into objective reality.

This is a nude photo of  Sarah Palin. This isn't related to my metaphor of Republican propaganda as a drug, in as much as I just want to remind everyone how much of a stupid and unqualified moron Sarah Palin is.

Terminal Prepositions Make Me Horny.

Terminal prepositions make me horny. *SURPRISE!