Jesus The Hobo Enters The Digital Age!

Hola, howdy, and hi. It's Jesus The Hobo. You might remember me. I'm the guy who urinates in your bushes once a week? Anyway, I've been working hard on this project (not really), finally raised enough money (begged for it all) and come up with a QR Code for people to use.

What's a QR Code, you ask? QR Codes are two-dimensional barcodes that are easily scanned using any modern mobile phone. This code will then be converted (also called "dequrified") into a piece of interactive text and/or a weblink. For instance, you walk around in the city and notice a poster for an event that seems interesting. You take out your mobile phone, scan the QR Code and you instantly get more information and a link to a website where you can purchase your tickets. You don't have to type or remember anything. It's just that simple.

Now you can follow me on your mobile devices. How cool is that? Just scan this handy QR code into your smartphone and you'll get all the hobo action you could ever want. Let the mayhem begin!

disclaimer: I claim no responsibility for the following disclaimer. I claim no responsibility for damage to your mobile devices. I claim nothing. It's not my fault, and don't blame anybody I know or work for either. This product is meant for debauchery purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons or opinions, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate this. For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. Anything you download can and will be used against you. Any opinions expressed are my own, and generally unpopular with others. Apply smileys liberally throughout the above as needed. If that doesn't help, take two Valium and call your analyst in the morning. Any disclaimer issued by me is subject to change without notice...and frankly, I don't need a disclaimer - I own this damn thing.

Abrascam Lincoln: Box Office Killer

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter...can anyone explain this to me?? 10-year-olds are writing Hollywood scripts again, aren't they?

Even though I'm just a hobo, my opinion is that this is a stretch...really it is. I can come up with better crap than this...in a coma.

No srsly...check it out man.

Here we go:

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Joseph. Joseph was 12-years-old and lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. While walking home from school one day, a blue rabbit jumped out from behind a pile of dead zombie babies and tackled Joseph to the ground. But just when he was about to let out a scream for help, Joseph realized that the blue rabbit was only licking his face, not trying to bite it off.

At that moment, Joseph decided to keep the blue rabbit as a pet. And on the way home he decided to name his pet blue rabbit "Conk."

When Joseph and his new pet finally got home, guess who was standing on the front porch? That's right, it was Joseph 's mother, Marge. And boy was she surprised to see a blue rabbit following Joseph into the yard!

"Whut in tarnation in th' world is that?" shouted Marge (Marge ain't too edumacated, so cut her some slack).

"It's a blue rabbit," answered Joseph.

"UH, DAH, I can see that, Joey, but what on earth is it doing here?" said Marge.

"It's my new pet!" Joseph snapped insolently.

"Oh you think so do ya?" remarked Marge. "I wouldn't get yer hopes up. You know how yer pa hates them blue rabbits. But, well, I s'pose you can keep him 'til yer pa comes home."

And with that Joseph grabbed Conk by the scruff of the neck and led his new pet into the house -- even though he knew his father was probably going to disapprove.

Well, Pa can just SUCK IT, right?

Hey, it's my script, and it's not
my problem if you don't like it.

Once in the house, Joseph and Conk played and played, but then Joseph's favorite television show, "Taxicab Confessions" started. At that point Joseph forgot all about Conk who was having an unsupervised run of the house. And Conk enjoyed himself to no end.

That is until half way through the show when Joseph was brought back to reality when he heard his father shout, "Fuckin' 'ell!! Joseph! Get your ASS in the bathroom...NOW!!" Joseph rushed into the bathroom to see what all the fuss was about.

When he entered the bathroom, there stood his father, Gordo, pointing toward the coat rack which was lying on the floor.

"Will someone please explain that?!" asked his father. Then, as Joseph followed his father's finger to where it was pointing, he instantly knew what his father was so upset about.

There, smack dab on the end, clear down to the middle of the coat rack, was the biggest piece of rabbit shit he had ever seen! "I don't EVEN want to know how that got there," muttered Gordo. "But you had better get it cleaned up now! And you had better get rid of whatever it is that could have done such a thing!"

Well, knowing his father as well as he did, Joseph knew there was no sense even asking his father if he could keep Conk for a pet. So without hesitation, Joseph set out to find where Conk was hiding.

After a few minutes of looking, Joseph discovered Conk crouched beneath the table that was adorned with the cloth that Joseph's father popped his back zits with. "Come on, Conk, it's time to find you a new home. And hey, don't look at me that way, I'm not the one who did the dirty deed on the coat rack!" scolded Joseph. "Thanks to you I'll never get to have my own pet rabbit!! And so then Joseph led Conk out of the house and down to the local Five and Dime. The Five and Dime had a pet section and Joseph knew the owner would find Conk a good home.

So after saying good-bye to Conk the rabbit, and thanking the owner of the Five and Dime, Joseph walked backed home and attempted to drown his sorrows by slamming down a half dozen bottles of bourbon. But Joseph 's pity party came to an abrupt end when his father reminded him about the mess he had neglected to clean up. And low and behold, midway through the clean-up, Joseph suddenly became thankful that someone else was going to have to do it from now on.

However something snapped inside Joseph's head -- he vowed revenge on all blue rabbits from that day forward -- he thought of nothing more than destroying every single blue bunny he could smoke out. But sadly, Joseph spent the rest of his days at the asylum drugged up on Thorazine and Lithium.

And that's how the Book of Mormon was written.

The End.
(or is it?)

See? Isn't that like TEN TIMES better, even without the fancy special effects? Psh, I thought so. :D

 J.J. Abrams and M. Night Shimshamalamadingdong can't even write shit THAT good. :P

Run, rabbit, run.