Q: Why would you not recommend becoming a hobo?

A: I would never condemn a non-hobo to a life of endless cravings which can never really be satisfied, the loneliness and exile one feels because you hurt your friends and loved ones, not to mention you can never truly trust anyone. Hobos are not immortal. Hobos always have to worry about where their next donation is coming from and what they will spend it on. Non-hobos are usually overly sensitive, which includes sometimes frightening rushes of emotion and mental anguish. In the long run, you are much better off as what you were born into. Follow nature…it usually knows best.

Q: Why are hobos depressed?

A: Hobos are not depressed, they are oppressed. Okay, maybe some are depressed, but not all of them are. Just as not all cheerleaders are airheads, not all nerds are ugly, not all surfers are bums with long blond hair. These are stereotypes, which are often very harmful to other people. Granted, some hobos are depressed, but so are non-hobos. There is no empirical data that suggests that people who are involved in hobo culture are more depressed than people involved in any other culture.

Q: Where did you get your codpiece?

A: My cod piece is a non-flexible vinyl item which I dug out of the trash behind a Walmart. It was manufactured by some sweatshop in India. It holds its circular form and results in an item of perfection. No wrinkles! I'll sell you mine for $5 USD. Normally they only go for $3.99, but with mine what you are paying for is nostalgia.

Q: How did you become an impersonator for Beyonce Knowles?

A: I grew up in Guadalajara. As I grew older many people would stop to say how much I looked like Beyonce. A woman I worked with shared how popular look-a-like shows were in the United States and they paid top dollar for great entertainment. I entered a contest and placed third in it. RuPaul won first place since his Beyonce impression was a little better than mine, or so the judges say. However, after that one performance, my career has soared as an impersonator. Why these days I do a great "hobo impersonation"--partly because I am a hobo, and partly because I don't tell anyone that I am a hobo--but my hobo impression is so good mostly because I am a hobo.

Q: Hobos are known to be social, but yet very aggressive creatures and would attack humans without warning at times. They are also very territorial and overprotective of their boxes. What else do you know about these species?

A: While it would be inaccurate to generalize, there are some typical characteristics:
They congregate in large cities like San Francisco and New York. The usually vote Democratic because the Republican Party treats them like dirt. They tend to enjoy Broadway musicals and reality shows like "Project Runway." They're usually very well-groomed.
Wait–-you asked about ho-Bos, didn't you.....? Sorry.

Q: Hobos have taken up roost on my house or in my neighborhood. How do I get rid of them?

A: First, KILLING HOBOS IS NOT THE SOLUTION. It is first important to understand what makes your area attractive. This is not necessarily a food source. Hobos are highly social animals, and they prefer to roost in large colonies. Areas that are conducive to this include the stereotypical abandoned railcar, a dead tree, cell phone towers, and even rooftops or porch coverings. Removal of dead trees is not advisable for several reasons: 1) these trees are often habitats for other wildlife, and 2) without the trees, the hobos may move to rooftops, or a cardboard box - which is a far less desirable situation.

The best way to discourage hobos is to create an inhospitable environment. On the household level, you can hang shiny, flapping objects to frighten the hobos, frequently run outside, clapping and shouting, or set off firecrackers. (Note that, after a while, the hobos may discover that shiny flapping objects pose them no risk, at which point these will rather become fun toys. So it is best to initially accompany them with noise or blasts from a garden hose, and to be careful not to hang them somewhere that you would find to be a particularly undesirable secondary hobo roost).

On the community level, hobo discouragement is often accomplished with periodic blasts of Justin Bieber on a ghetto blaster, or other noise solutions.

Q: So why is killing hobos not a viable system of removal?

A: Why? WHY?? Because dead hobos will create a very unsanitary environment, and will attract ground-bound scavengers such as coyotes and foxes, which would pose much more of a risk to your family. The carcasses might even attract a replacement population of new hobos. And please keep in mind, there is NO way of poisoning a hobo without unintentionally targeting large quantities of other wildlife.

Unfortunately, having adapted very well to the growing human population, hobos are becoming more difficult to discourage from residential areas. This does not mean that their populations will rise to any dangerous level, however. Like all other wild animals, they are controlled by natural population fluctuations. If the hobos are roosting in trees or on cell phone towers, it is best to leave them in peace. They are wonderful animals to have around, as they keep the environment clean and healthy. You will even find that they can be beautiful in flight, and fun to observe, as they fall out of their environments due to their intoxication. In other words, leave them alone, they eventually do themselves in. Just like you.

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