Monday, November 26, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Big Bird is a Hobo

big bird unemployed hobo
Collecting unemployment or a new career as a door-to-door bird seed salesman -- either way, sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.  -  Jesus

Friday, June 22, 2012

Abrascam Lincoln: Box Office Killer

Abraham Lincoln Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter...can anyone explain this to me?? 10-year-olds are writing Hollywood scripts again, aren't they?

Even though I'm just a hobo, my opinion is that this is a stretch...really it is. I can come up with better crap than a coma.

No srsly...check it out man.

Here we go:

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Joseph. Joseph was 12-years-old and lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. While walking home from school one day, a blue rabbit jumped out from behind a pile of dead zombie babies and tackled Joseph to the ground. But just when he was about to let out a scream for help, Joseph realized that the blue rabbit was only licking his face, not trying to bite it off.

At that moment, Joseph decided to keep the blue rabbit as a pet. And on the way home he decided to name his pet blue rabbit "Conk."

When Joseph and his new pet finally got home, guess who was standing on the front porch? That's right, it was Joseph 's mother, Marge. And boy was she surprised to see a blue rabbit following Joseph into the yard!

"Whut in tarnation in th' world is that?" shouted Marge (Marge ain't too edumacated, so cut her some slack).

"It's a blue rabbit," answered Joseph.

"UH, DAH, I can see that, Joey, but what on earth is it doing here?" said Marge.

"It's my new pet!" Joseph snapped insolently.

"Oh you think so do ya?" remarked Marge. "I wouldn't get yer hopes up. You know how yer pa hates them blue rabbits. But, well, I s'pose you can keep him 'til yer pa comes home."

And with that Joseph grabbed Conk by the scruff of the neck and led his new pet into the house -- even though he knew his father was probably going to disapprove.

Well, Pa can just SUCK IT, right?

blue bunny man
Hey, it's my script, and it's not
my problem if you don't like it.
Once in the house, Joseph and Conk played and played, but then Joseph's favorite television show, "Taxicab Confessions" started. At that point Joseph forgot all about Conk who was having an unsupervised run of the house. And Conk enjoyed himself to no end.

That is until half way through the show when Joseph was brought back to reality when he heard his father shout, "Fuckin' 'ell!! Joseph! Get your ASS in the bathroom...NOW!!" Joseph rushed into the bathroom to see what all the fuss was about.

When he entered the bathroom, there stood his father, Gordo, pointing toward the coat rack which was lying on the floor.

"Will someone please explain that?!" asked his father. Then, as Joseph followed his father's finger to where it was pointing, he instantly knew what his father was so upset about.

There, smack dab on the end, clear down to the middle of the coat rack, was the biggest piece of rabbit shit he had ever seen! "I don't EVEN want to know how that got there," muttered Gordo. "But you had better get it cleaned up now! And you had better get rid of whatever it is that could have done such a thing!"

Well, knowing his father as well as he did, Joseph knew there was no sense even asking his father if he could keep Conk for a pet. So without hesitation, Joseph set out to find where Conk was hiding.

After a few minutes of looking, Joseph discovered Conk crouched beneath the table that was adorned with the cloth that Joseph's father popped his back zits with. "Come on, Conk, it's time to find you a new home. And hey, don't look at me that way, I'm not the one who did the dirty deed on the coat rack!" scolded Joseph. "Thanks to you I'll never get to have my own pet rabbit!! And so then Joseph led Conk out of the house and down to the local Five and Dime. The Five and Dime had a pet section and Joseph knew the owner would find Conk a good home.

So after saying good-bye to Conk the rabbit, and thanking the owner of the Five and Dime, Joseph walked backed home and attempted to drown his sorrows by slamming down a half dozen bottles of bourbon. But Joseph 's pity party came to an abrupt end when his father reminded him about the mess he had neglected to clean up. And low and behold, midway through the clean-up, Joseph suddenly became thankful that someone else was going to have to do it from now on.

However something snapped inside Joseph's head -- he vowed revenge on all blue rabbits from that day forward -- he thought of nothing more than destroying every single blue bunny he could smoke out. But sadly, Joseph spent the rest of his days at the asylum drugged up on Thorazine and Lithium.

And that's how the Book of Mormon was written.

The End.
(or is it?)

See? Isn't that like TEN TIMES better, even without the fancy special effects? Psh, I thought so. :D

 J.J. Abrams and M. Night Shimshamalamadingdong can't even write shit THAT good. :P

Run, rabbit, run.

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Death of a Culture

Aug. 22, 1920 - June 5, 2012

 You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just give them a Kindle. =P

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Jesus has Left the Building

There is nothing wrong with your computers. 

Do not attempt to adjust your monitors. I am controlling transmission. 

If I wish to make it louder, I will bring up the volume. If I wish to make it softer, I will tune it to a whisper. 

I will control the horizontal. I will control the vertical. 

I can roll the image, make it flutter. I can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. 

For the next hour, sit quietly and I will control all that you see and hear. 

I repeat: there is nothing wrong with your computer. You are about to participate in a great adventure. 

You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to — 
The Completely Out-Of-The-Way Limits.


Apply caution. Do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery as vision will be affected. Legal high, self hypnosis. Warning: may cause blurred vision, eyes will explode! CAUTION! I repeat: EYES WILL EXPLODE!!!1 8D

On that note: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus has Left the Building.

Izquierdo I say!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

There is a joke about dead horses going around .... entitled ... "Beating a Dead Horse."

(click to enlarge)

From the American Indian Group (the Dakotas), there is a tribal wisdom that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, the corporate strategy often tries other strategies with dead horses including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip

2. Changing riders

3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horses

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead"

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat"

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance

15. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses

20. Say that horse was procured with cost as an independent variable

In summary:

1. Acquire dead horse

2. ????

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...