Friday, December 23, 2011

TSA PSA

You ever seen a Yeti when a dozen condoms of coke burst in his belly?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Completely and Utterly Safe Sex

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...especially when you might be bumpin' uglies with quite possibly the ugliest of unkempt folk out there in the streets.

*Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash (or wholesale electronics that you can pawn for cash), then buy the crack directly.

*Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

*Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

*Do not, no matter how many peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

*Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

*Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

*When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

*Before fellating an anonymous man in the back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

*Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

*You CAN get it from kissing...so be sure to tear out your partner's tongue and spray Lysol in their mouth before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

*To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

*Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes. The easiest way to do this is to inflate them with the power of your lungs...you can also find many available children to do this for you. Just tell them that they are balloons.

*If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best. Because we all know abstinence isn't always a realistic answer.


Happy (Safe) Fornicating!



**Note that the aforementioned material may or may not work for everyone. It is up to you the reader to exercise caution when having unprotected or protected sex and knowing what the risks associated with those are. If you actually take any of the advice in this article seriously then you need to seek emergency psychiatric help at your earliest convenience and the author(s) take no responsibility for your poor judgment and choices. Good day.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Cool Things I Post on Facebook Since I'm Such a Pimp






Der √úbermensch is pretty frickin cool. Although the value of shaving your balls with a tuna can lid should not be underrated. You never know when that skill may come in handy.

Still, I think I should probably have included my 'likes' for First Aid For Dummies and Eunuchs Anonymous pages in that screenshot.

But first I must shave my balls with a tuna can lid. After absorbing tip #391, I believe my knowledge on the complex subject is quite thorough now.

During the intermission, here's a dog raping a cat to porn music:




Thursday, August 25, 2011

Adoption Stains



Facebook captcha FAILs


Darn those orphans and their adoption stains!




Now I see why those adoption stains were such a problem.
But at least they found a solution!






Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cooler Things I'd Post on My Facebook Wall if I Made Uber-pretentious Arty Films that Nobody Understands

Change. Got any?
I want to make uber-pretentious arty films that nobody understands, and describe them in a more unimaginably incomprehensible way.

As examples, my artist statement will be so outrageously turgid to read that it would take a team of interpreters from Interpreter Institute at Interpretville to interpret the mess out of it; throw a Vinnie Barbarino at an Elaine Benes and mix in a one-legged monkey on Pixy Sticks and you’ve got your understanding of my gibberish.

I will name drop at least two artists no one's ever heard of, discuss their two vastly differing styles at length, and then claim I occupy the space between those two artists. Where there was once a void is where I now reside, bringing light where there was only darkness.

As a stab at, and to further alienate my audience, I will claim no one understands my ingenuity and that they are dumber, sadder, and less complete for it.

Catchphrases such as "I'm so misunderstood!" or "You people will never understand my genius!" will be used frequently. For good measure I will throw in words like “transcendent” and “evocative” at key points.

Then it’s time to talk about how “freeing” my art is, and how I wish everyone could be as “free” as me with all my “freedom.” I will show real disdain for anyone who doesn’t want to do it, or doesn’t take my art seriously enough to fully realize their center.

Also, get real familiar with the phrase "...but what it’s really about is...” It’s a great way to blow my terrible and/or cliche plot way out of proportion, and is pretentious music to anyone’s ears.

Let’s try it together, “My protagonist is a mime in the 50’s who cries butterscotch and solves crimes, but what it’s really about is a girl’s journey into womanhood.” Or how about, “My book is a revealing look at drug smuggling across the Canadian border, but what it’s really about is the dichotomy between post-industrial colonialism and urban new multinationalism.”

Finally, I shall also insolently declare that I hate fame.

The audience sees only the crap on display as art, but for the artist to be able to produce such works of cow plop, the artist has to make many sacrifices. Art involves none of these qualities: discipline, courage, faith, pure heart, and love. IN FACT, what is needed to produce art is: alcohol, cannabis, pizza, apathy, procrastination, incompetence, and a large helping of general fuckery.


...kind of like this guy:
http://www.carlosdengler.com/


Oh, what happened to you, Carlos?


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Weiner Will Rise Again

(click to enlarge)






















Have you been hacked by a wiener? Have you been traumatized by Rep. Weiner's penis? It's all part of the prank. So just go with it. Nothing can keep Weiner down for long.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Senator Jon Kyl: "I Eat Aborted Babies. They're Delish."

(Click to enlarge)




















With name like Kyl (an expert on examining reality vs. rhetoric), you would think that abortion would come naturally? Great success.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

New super-addictive drug "T-Party" discovered; millions of users already addicted

Above: User snorting "T-Palin," a purified version of "T-Party"

As a hobo, I encounter many-an addictive substance on a daily basis, many of which have spent a decent amount of time hidden in my rectum. Of all these substances, however, none are as potent as "T-Party," a new super-addictive drug invented by Republicans and fed to an under-educated populace over-eager for a simplification of our ever-more complicated world, a world-view free of global-warming, national-debt and other compound-hyphenated-nouns.

The largest supplier of "T-Party" is "Fox News." While they have always been infamous for their conservative slant, yellow journalism and spreading lies, the creation and distribution of "T-Party" amongst the American public transformed the organization from an annoying source of faux-news into the most prominent drug cartel in the United States. Their most recent breakthrough is a derivative of T-Party called "T-Palin," which has further indoctrinated millions of elderly Medicare recipients into accepting a world view that Government-Run Health Insurance is unconstitutional, despite the fact that 99% of seniors over the age of 65 voluntarily participate in Medicare, the single largest health insurance institution...run by the government.

Probably my worst photoshop ever, but hey, I'm a hobo and the librarian is watching me closely to make sure I don't steal this computer...which I intend to do just as soon as my friend "Slippery Pete" creates a diversion by smearing extra-crunchy peanut butter on his nude body and screaming "Who wants to try my FREE shit?!" 

Derived from the chemical compound "Aristocratic Nucleic Acid" produced by Rush Limbaux's testicles, "T-Party" or "T-Rex" as it is known on the streets/bars that serve you beer-in-a-can, has already claimed the rational capacity of millions of people in the U.S. If you suspect a loved one of being addicted to T-Party, the following warning signs are helpful in getting them help: A sudden, uncontrollable love of Professional Wrestling; Referring to "Glenn Beck" as an "intellectual"; Using the word "News" when referring to "Fox News" programs; Holding contradicting political opinions, such as "Get Government out of Medicare" or "Eliminate the Deficit of $400 billion by making $60 billion in cuts."

If, after evaluating these symptoms, you suspect a loved on of being addicted to T-Party, please call our national hotline and one of our trained Philosophy major will work with you on a 12-step reason-based treatment to re-integrate your loved one into objective reality.

This is a nude photo of  Sarah Palin. This isn't related to my metaphor of Republican propaganda as a drug, in as much as I just want to remind everyone how much of a stupid and unqualified moron Sarah Palin is.


Monday, March 28, 2011

"Turtles All The Way Down"

Hey folks! Having problems staying awake in your 12-hour day of drudgery for pennies on the dollar just to watch your fat cat corporate bosses get rich off the fruits of your labor?


Well you're in luck!


Considering that our friendly, socially aware, and morally conscious federal government has decided to cut spending on fighting methamphetamine production--YOU can score a few tons of the crap to keep you up for weeks--For nothing but your entire lifetime income!


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.



Ahhh...isn't the American Dream just grand?


May this not be the fate of all Daryl Krogen's nationwide from this day forward.

Source

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Contrary To Popular Belief, I Am Not Charlie Sheen.

I am not Charlie Sheen.
Although, I do have what has been called "tiger's blood".

In my spare time I blog, I mountain bike, I play guitar. I am a migrant worker. A day laborer. When weather permits, I even beg for spare change.

I have been known to remodel huts located in small villages within the Amazon Basin on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

Occasionally, just for fun, I tread water for two days in a row in piranha infested waters.

I once read War and Peace, Atlas Shrugged, and an entire volume of encyclopedias in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I am an abstract analyst, a concrete artist, and a ruthless bookie.

I don't perspire.

I can swallow live bullets, fart, and take out the eyebrows on a mosquito at 400 yards on a windy day.

I am one of those warlock Vatican assassins people only hear or dream about.

But I am not Charlie Sheen, I am Jesus the hobo.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Found Treasures #2

hobo-fied

Gif animation credit: unknown
Based on a Jimmy Kimmel Show skit "Hottie Body Hump Club"



Ridiculawesome. What I wouldn't give to be HOBO-FIED.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Found Treasures #1


Photo credit: Akorn King

Bioplastic Surgery Disaster Barbie™ wasn't quite as popular as Mattel had hoped...except with the bag ladies.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Cooler Things I'd Post On My Friends Facebook Wall If I Had Friends

"Hey, Alex!

Long time, no -see- poke. I've just been surfing couches and stuff. Hanging out at my social networking buddies homes all year long..picking my toenails on their kitchen counters..pooping in their closets..peeing in their refrigerators..sneezing on their pillows..and soiling their bath towels.

So when can I come and visit you in Italy?!"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

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