Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Completely and Utterly Safe Sex

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...especially when you might be bumpin' uglies with quite possibly the ugliest of unkempt folk out there in the streets.

*Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash (or wholesale electronics that you can pawn for cash), then buy the crack directly.

*Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

*Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

*Do not, no matter how many peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

*Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

*Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

*When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

*Before fellating an anonymous man in the back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

*Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

*You CAN get it from be sure to tear out your partner's tongue and spray Lysol in their mouth before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

*To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

*Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes. The easiest way to do this is to inflate them with the power of your can also find many available children to do this for you. Just tell them that they are balloons.

*If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best. Because we all know abstinence isn't always a realistic answer.

Happy (Safe) Fornicating!

**Note that the aforementioned material may or may not work for everyone. It is up to you the reader to exercise caution when having unprotected or protected sex and knowing what the risks associated with those are. If you actually take any of the advice in this article seriously then you need to seek emergency psychiatric help at your earliest convenience and the author(s) take no responsibility for your poor judgment and choices. Good day.


  1. Apparently, this article is ranked #5 in Google search results as "safe sex in seattle."

    Someone from Seattle recently used that search term to land here and I hope my article was helpful. :)

    i.e. sex is NOT safe in Seattle (unless it's in the Pioneer Square underground mall.) Glad I could be of service, Seattle.

    1. And whatever you do, don't get busy at Pike Place Market. Too many fishmongers. :P

  2. A truly helpful article suitable for beginners and even experienced individuals!

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. You really think so? Golly... I bet you're a slick condom salesman. That must be really interesting work too. But keep your rocket in your pocket, Mr. Spaceman. The mental hospital you escaped from has probably realized you're missing. TALLY-HO, Pudwhacker.


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