Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cooler Things I'd Post on My Facebook Wall if I Made Uber-pretentious Arty Films that Nobody Understands

Change. Got any?
I want to make uber-pretentious arty films that nobody understands, and describe them in a more unimaginably incomprehensible way.

As examples, my artist statement will be so outrageously turgid to read that it would take a team of interpreters from Interpreter Institute at Interpretville to interpret the mess out of it; throw a Vinnie Barbarino at an Elaine Benes and mix in a one-legged monkey on Pixy Sticks and you’ve got your understanding of my gibberish.

I will name drop at least two artists no one's ever heard of, discuss their two vastly differing styles at length, and then claim I occupy the space between those two artists. Where there was once a void is where I now reside, bringing light where there was only darkness.

As a stab at, and to further alienate my audience, I will claim no one understands my ingenuity and that they are dumber, sadder, and less complete for it.

Catchphrases such as "I'm so misunderstood!" or "You people will never understand my genius!" will be used frequently. For good measure I will throw in words like “transcendent” and “evocative” at key points.

Then it’s time to talk about how “freeing” my art is, and how I wish everyone could be as “free” as me with all my “freedom.” I will show real disdain for anyone who doesn’t want to do it, or doesn’t take my art seriously enough to fully realize their center.

Also, get real familiar with the phrase "...but what it’s really about is...” It’s a great way to blow my terrible and/or cliche plot way out of proportion, and is pretentious music to anyone’s ears.

Let’s try it together, “My protagonist is a mime in the 50’s who cries butterscotch and solves crimes, but what it’s really about is a girl’s journey into womanhood.” Or how about, “My book is a revealing look at drug smuggling across the Canadian border, but what it’s really about is the dichotomy between post-industrial colonialism and urban new multinationalism.”

Finally, I shall also insolently declare that I hate fame.

The audience sees only the crap on display as art, but for the artist to be able to produce such works of cow plop, the artist has to make many sacrifices. Art involves none of these qualities: discipline, courage, faith, pure heart, and love. IN FACT, what is needed to produce art is: alcohol, cannabis, pizza, apathy, procrastination, incompetence, and a large helping of general fuckery.

...kind of like this guy:

Oh, what happened to you, Carlos?


  1. you need a patron. if devinci and all those other renaissance dudes could have patrons, so should you.

  2. Well, technically, yes. That certainly helps. But my point was that art, in any medium, should be a bit more accessible in my opinion. I am speaking from a more commercial point of view as a budding graphic to me, to place so much emphasis on jargon explaining one's "art", that is most likely to be misinterpreted - simply because it is articulated in an unintelligible way (either overdone or underdone)- has to be the worst mistake made by an artist.

    I am sure there are some saps who will eat up anything handed to them as long as it is served on a silver platter with plenty of hype poured all over it. But I think most patrons, collectors, or persons who market artists works would prefer someone who can make a clearer point as to what it is they do, or what they are trying to communicate with their art, and their work exemplifies those qualities. It can only help if they communicate in such a way as to not talk over everyone's heads.

    Interpol is one of my favorite bands, and the dynamics of their music have changed since Carlos Dengler left because "he couldn't handle being a celebrity", which is understandable. He wants to feel like a regular guy but he isn't. So I think he should stop trying so hard to be one or the other.

    However, if you're going to continue to capitalize on your celebrity, even use it as inspiration for a series of works, but downplay that celebrity at the same time, do you have to be so fucking pretentious about it? Maybe he's mentally ill or has some kind of personality disorder/crisis...I don't know. I just find it annoying. Others probably find it intriguing and think he's a genius. To each their own.

  3. Driller Killer is a bloody good film.

  4. Carlos Dengler is a dangling clingon - the fecal particles which cling to my buttock hair after excretion. Quick, find me a bear to wipe my ass with.

  5. No bears around here. How about a sharp pointy stick instead?

  6. @ Der: Haven't seen Driller Killer. From it's IMDb page it sounds like it has a similar plot to the splatterfest 'A Bucket of Blood'. Artist goes nuts, slaughters everyone in sight. Yeah, that's about right. The question is: is there plenty of believable blood and guts content that I'd actually want to rent it?


Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...