Friday, June 22, 2012

Abrascam Lincoln: Box Office Killer

Abraham Lincoln Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter...can anyone explain this to me?? 10-year-olds are writing Hollywood scripts again, aren't they?

Even though I'm just a hobo, my opinion is that this is a stretch...really it is. I can come up with better crap than a coma.

No srsly...check it out man.

Here we go:

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Joseph. Joseph was 12-years-old and lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. While walking home from school one day, a blue rabbit jumped out from behind a pile of dead zombie babies and tackled Joseph to the ground. But just when he was about to let out a scream for help, Joseph realized that the blue rabbit was only licking his face, not trying to bite it off.

At that moment, Joseph decided to keep the blue rabbit as a pet. And on the way home he decided to name his pet blue rabbit "Conk."

When Joseph and his new pet finally got home, guess who was standing on the front porch? That's right, it was Joseph 's mother, Marge. And boy was she surprised to see a blue rabbit following Joseph into the yard!

"Whut in tarnation in th' world is that?" shouted Marge (Marge ain't too edumacated, so cut her some slack).

"It's a blue rabbit," answered Joseph.

"UH, DAH, I can see that, Joey, but what on earth is it doing here?" said Marge.

"It's my new pet!" Joseph snapped insolently.

"Oh you think so do ya?" remarked Marge. "I wouldn't get yer hopes up. You know how yer pa hates them blue rabbits. But, well, I s'pose you can keep him 'til yer pa comes home."

And with that Joseph grabbed Conk by the scruff of the neck and led his new pet into the house -- even though he knew his father was probably going to disapprove.

Well, Pa can just SUCK IT, right?

blue bunny man
Hey, it's my script, and it's not
my problem if you don't like it.
Once in the house, Joseph and Conk played and played, but then Joseph's favorite television show, "Taxicab Confessions" started. At that point Joseph forgot all about Conk who was having an unsupervised run of the house. And Conk enjoyed himself to no end.

That is until half way through the show when Joseph was brought back to reality when he heard his father shout, "Fuckin' 'ell!! Joseph! Get your ASS in the bathroom...NOW!!" Joseph rushed into the bathroom to see what all the fuss was about.

When he entered the bathroom, there stood his father, Gordo, pointing toward the coat rack which was lying on the floor.

"Will someone please explain that?!" asked his father. Then, as Joseph followed his father's finger to where it was pointing, he instantly knew what his father was so upset about.

There, smack dab on the end, clear down to the middle of the coat rack, was the biggest piece of rabbit shit he had ever seen! "I don't EVEN want to know how that got there," muttered Gordo. "But you had better get it cleaned up now! And you had better get rid of whatever it is that could have done such a thing!"

Well, knowing his father as well as he did, Joseph knew there was no sense even asking his father if he could keep Conk for a pet. So without hesitation, Joseph set out to find where Conk was hiding.

After a few minutes of looking, Joseph discovered Conk crouched beneath the table that was adorned with the cloth that Joseph's father popped his back zits with. "Come on, Conk, it's time to find you a new home. And hey, don't look at me that way, I'm not the one who did the dirty deed on the coat rack!" scolded Joseph. "Thanks to you I'll never get to have my own pet rabbit!! And so then Joseph led Conk out of the house and down to the local Five and Dime. The Five and Dime had a pet section and Joseph knew the owner would find Conk a good home.

So after saying good-bye to Conk the rabbit, and thanking the owner of the Five and Dime, Joseph walked backed home and attempted to drown his sorrows by slamming down a half dozen bottles of bourbon. But Joseph 's pity party came to an abrupt end when his father reminded him about the mess he had neglected to clean up. And low and behold, midway through the clean-up, Joseph suddenly became thankful that someone else was going to have to do it from now on.

However something snapped inside Joseph's head -- he vowed revenge on all blue rabbits from that day forward -- he thought of nothing more than destroying every single blue bunny he could smoke out. But sadly, Joseph spent the rest of his days at the asylum drugged up on Thorazine and Lithium.

And that's how the Book of Mormon was written.

The End.
(or is it?)

See? Isn't that like TEN TIMES better, even without the fancy special effects? Psh, I thought so. :D

 J.J. Abrams and M. Night Shimshamalamadingdong can't even write shit THAT good. :P

Run, rabbit, run.


  1. That's a beautiful tale. Much more believable and delightfully satisfying than more stupid shit from Hollyweird. Honestly... Abe Lincoln... a vampire hunter. Come on! I just took a dump that has more fascinating details than what this tripe of movie making could come up with.

    So, in the end, did Joseph fuck Conk so hard that he eventually lost consciousness? That's what the audience really wants. A happy ending. And that would be it.

    1. Spank you. Spank you very much. While we're on the subject of Hollyweird and the shitty films they've been producing for -- gosh, like a fucking eternity now -- I should also mention that there are some independent films that are more deserving of attention than Abraham Fuckwad in 3D. Take for example: 'Joseph and Conk: First Blood' and 'Joseph and Conk: The Handsome Menace' and 'Joseph and Conk: I'm Gonna Conk Your Fat Badonkadonk After I've Clubbed Yo Dumbass Over The Head in 3D' ... all wonderfully thrilling flicks. That's about the happiest ending you could. ever. possibly. have!

  2. I was riveted and when I say, "riveted", I mean attentive to this post and not ending up attached to the side of a bridge or something.
    What really enlightened me is that I have discovered that Abe Lincoln was not a vampire hunter. A hunter of werewolves, a searcher of the Sasquatch and yearning for Yeti, but never a hunter of vampires. My American type history, just got better.
    Yes, even you, our illustrious hobo could do better. Heck, I've been to the top of the Space Needle. And yep, my hobo dude, my ass still hurts....

    1. Pshaw! Who knew anything about Honest Abe's secret life? It was never touched upon by historians, nor was it mentioned in Lincoln's biographical works. The film industry has stunned audiences once again with its amazing and captivating historically accurate documentaries. And we do appreciate your honesty. But next time, could you please shave your ass with a tuna can lid before you climb atop the Space Needle again? You gave us a rash. Kthxbai!

  3. OMG. Too damn funny. See if I hadn't of read Kelly's "Psycho Carnival" which suggested I come see your blog... well... shit...Ida missed it. Now off to change me drawers. Thnx for the free shit!

    1. I'm happy to have provided you with this stunning review and critique of all blockbuster films made since the 80's, not to mention the tiresome, dull, unoriginal formulae mainstream writers and directors approach modern filmmaking with these days. You're welcome. :)


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